Saturday, January 2, 2016

Like rebuilding

2016 feels different already.  It might be in part because we stayed up to ring in the New Year which is a thing I haven't done in decades.  I felt compelled this year to see the year out, to be there till the very end and then the beginning.  It is totally arbitrary, of course, but maybe that doesn't matter when you are talking symbolism.

I'm reluctant - scratch that, I'm SCARED - to write out the stuff I've been thinking about for the year.  I feel like the last 20 years of my life have been a roller coaster of plans and failures.  That is probably dramatic and not entirely representative but there have definitely been a lot of resolutions and plans and then a lot of guilt and disappointment at my failure to 'turn my life around'.

Staring 40 down (2.5 weeks to go) really has made me kind of evaluate my life and what I want out of it.  I suppose it has been sparked by all the losses this last year, too.

Last night we had dinner with some friends that we met in spring of last year.  They are nice and I like them and they feel comfortable in the way that people that you like feel comfortable.  Hanging out with them is still kind of shocking in how different it is from how it was hanging out with Sis and her husband.  I love Sis still (popup!) but the few times that we had dinner with them both the Man and I would sit and listen to each of them talk.  It wasn't really a conversation at all.  Sis and I would be at the table and her husband and the Man would be in the kitchen and the Man and I would smile and nod and laugh and make small noises that indicated that we were listening but Sis and Mr Sis would be the ones talking.  And talking and talking.  There were very few questions and even less time to answer the few that were asked.

I don't think there is any malice in their behavior.  They both are very excitable and very happy and excited to tell all the things to you.  But I started to feel like it didn't matter who I was, just that I was an audience member.  And I LOVED being the audience, I loved it for decades.  She is a very good entertainer.  But I wanted, no WANT, something deeper.  I want back and forth.  I want real connection and depth.

After our dinner out last night I was laying in bed with the Man and told him that I want friends and people who will let me come over when their house is messy.  This issue has become emblematic for me.  Sis is the person that I would have said, last spring, was the closest person to me after the Man.  And I had all of these expectations about how moving here would be.  I guess she had her own expectations that were unmet, too.  I had this vision of her and I, in and out of each others' places, in the mess and the daily living.  I didn't imagine that in 2 years she would only come over once.  I didn't imagine that she would always talk about how she had to clean up before we came and if I dropped by (I kept trying to force intimacy, I guess) she would putter around cleaning and apologizing about the mess.

I WANT the mess.

I know this could be about other things, I know that there is a possiblity that it wasn't a sign that I wasn't on the 'inside' with her but that is what it felt like.  It felt like I was a stranger.  And it felt like I was a stranger when her husband was in the hospital with a suspected heart attack and she didn't call me after she called her mom and brother.

All this shit just breaks my heart.

And as the Man and I contemplate moving back to our old stomping grounds, I think of my friends there and I just realized that when I was in the hospital I was very reluctant to call anyone to come.   So, that sucks.  I'm realizing that for me, that was about my own worthiness, not theirs, but it might have seemed to them to be about how close I felt to them.

This is something that I desperately want to change for the new year and beyond.  I want to open myself up to these kinds of relationships.  I want to have 'in the mess' friends, not just smile and drink and eat and say goodbye friends.

Wow, got a bit sidetracked there.

I suppose all of these things are intertwined, huh?  My relationship with myself and my body and my soul all impact my relationships with other people.  My treatment of myself informs the treatment that I allow from other people, etc. 

I don't want to set exercise goals or start a diet or try to build healthy habits into my life this year.  But I do want to be better to myself and some of that sounds a lot like healthy habits and stuff.  It just all feels different right now.  I think I've said that before, though.  Anyway, if it is different then I won't be able to scare it off by talking about it.  Or, I hope not. :)

That being said, I'm not telling the Man or anyone else.  I'm just gonna hold onto the little seedlings that are sprouting inside me and nurture them and see what grows.

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