I'm convinced, despite my better judgement, that if I were 20 or 30 or even just 10 pounds lighter I would have a better time on my winter holiday a month from now. I have heard my very own mother say this very thing and scoffed - scoffed!! - at her silly belief. How could you have more fun in Scotland if you were thinner? How could you contemplate delaying a trip like that for a year or more on the HOPE that you would be able to lose some weight before setting off?
It made me angry, actually, for her and at her. I don't want someone I love (regardless of her weight) to think that kind of thing. And what's more, I don't want to live in a world where that kind of thing is true.
I want to believe that the feel of the sun on my skin and the smell of the ocean wouldn't - couldn't - be improved by a thinner waist. I want to believe that I am of more value than that idea would suggest.
But there remains this gut feeling, deep below the logic and outrage, that those things are true. That life would be easier and happier and BETTER somehow. And I've read all about body positivity and Kate Harding and the myth of thinness and all the things. All the things, I tell you.
And still that belief sits there, in the pit of my stomach just whispering and cajoling and assuring me that sure, sure, your value isn't defined by your waistline but, hey, wouldn't it be fun to be thin? Wouldn't it be happy and breezy and easy if you were able to stroll alongside your guy on the beach if your clothes would drift away from your thin frame and the fabric could pull taught against your flat belly and your arms didn't touch your torso at the top and your thighs moved independently of each other. How romantic it would be! How lovely a picture you would paint, the two of you!
So why? Why does any of that matter?
I know that I have said in the past that it is just a comfort thing, purely about physical comfort. But I don't really think about it when I'm alone with no reflective surfaces, so how true could that be?
I am so tired of worrying about this. I am so ready to move beyond it.
I just don't know how.