Monday, December 21, 2015

Like flipping a switch

This weekend I went through all of my old posts on my old blog.  It was sad, funny, shocking and surreal to see how much I went through and how much I learned (and have since forgotten). 

I think the act of writing was a real support to me during those times and I could see very clearly the improvement in my writing from the start to the finish. 

Then by chance last night I stumbled upon some Upworthy article about how your only New Year's resolution should be journaling daily and I though, well, ok. 

This morning I woke slowly from what I thought was restful sleep but my awakening was murky with dread.  You know how when you awaken in the night to throw up but before you realize that you have to throw up you just feel kind of sure that something is wrong but not sure what?  That is how I woke this morning.  It was super fun.

I couldn't figure out what was wrong, even after fully awake, but maybe it was lingering sadness from a bad dream I had about Sis.  I will likely see her at the Christmas party and I am dreading that, so .... dread?  :)

The Man and I sat at the table sharing a cup of coffee and talked about our trip back to Seattle in a few weeks.  Planning our transportation and such and I was struck with such a vivid image of the neighborhood we used to live in and the one our friends live in and I blurted out, "I want to move back to Seattle!" before I even knew what I was saying.  The Man got pretty excited, in his trying to be cool way and started to reassure me that we could do what we want and this and that.  I backtracked pretty quickly because I am not sure and I love being by my Mom and all of the other reasons I want to stay but - I don't know - suddenly we both were, like, innervated.   Or, mabye more like turned on or something.  Not in a sexual way but, it was like someone had flipped a switch in both of our bodies and minds.  I felt a surge of hope and excitement about the future that i haven't felt in a quite a while.  I know that the Man hasn't felt it either.  We were just talking the other day about how we both feel kind of aimless and were attributing it to the newfound infertility.  Need a new plan, a Plan B, etc.  But now I'm not so sure that is the problem. 

Can you really be that much happier in a different place?  Can it really matter that much?

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