Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Like changing things up

It seems that no matter what the change is that comes to me, I have a hard time adjusting to it.    Now that Mr. N has rented his  new office space I am all thrown in a tizzy about it.  The commuting is all arduous somehow and it feels like we are somehow much busier.  I don't know. 

Also, I don't know if I should keep on seeing my therapist.  This seems like a stupid question, I should know, right?  I just feel bad quitting.  I feel like I am saying that she isn't doing a good job or that I am failing somehow because I cannot figure out what I am doing in there.  I talk and talk and then she shrugs.  And so why am I paying for that?  She said that if she tells me what to do that then it will be her plan, not mine, but what is her role then?  I don't really expect her to tell me what to do but I guess I was thinking that she would be a sounding board for me.  I was hoping that she would be able to just kind of nudge me when I was being illogical or unhealthy in my thoughts.  She says there is no 'ultimate truth' and that it is all just feelings but there have to be healthy vs unhealthy thoughts, no?

I'm gonna talk to her about it, I guess, but I feel like she doesn't really like me already - although to be fair that is mostly based on hearing her laugh it up with the woman who goes before me.  She and I don't really laugh.  Well, I make jokes sometimes and she smiles but that is hardly us having a party.

I had a time, not so long ago, where I felt like she was gonna be a big part of my team, you know?  Like I was assembling this healthing team that would help me to walk back to my happiest and healthiest self.  But now I am just getting so tired of seeing her shrug.  I think she wants me to talk myself to a decision and healthy mindset or something but if I were capable of that then I would do it at home - for free.

Anyway, that is the thing, I feel like she has my number and could call me out on my bullshit but that she doesn't see it as her role or something.  bleh. 

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