Wednesday, November 14, 2012

what is in my cup

i'm newly married.  i'm wildly unhappy.

it isn't because of him.  i am pretty sure that it isn't because of him.  i feel so stagnant.  even my writing has come to a halt and i sit here staring at this edit page without words, without my voice.

everything i write sounds like someone else.

everyday i sit and read my favorite blogs and the three or more books i have going at any one time and i feel inspired and held and nurtured and informed.  and i feel so full.  i feel full to overflowing with feelings and thoughts and words and i want to get them out of my head and heart and belly but when i come here all the doors slam shut and i am standing in a hallway, all echos and hints of light stabbing towards me from under the doors.  the light calls to me, it whispers in a language i just can't make out, a voice that is just too mumbled or quiet or fast and i want to catch those words and put them down here but i can't because i can't hear them or remember them or understand them clearly enough to transcribe them and my head hurts and my ears ache as i put my hands over them, trying to block out the almost but not quite words. 

i want to scream but i am silent

i want to write but it is aborted

i want to let go but i am a vibrating ball of tension wound tightly around myself.

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