i'm newly married. i'm wildly unhappy.
it isn't because of him. i am pretty sure that it isn't because of him. i feel so stagnant. even my writing has come to a halt and i sit here staring at this edit page without words, without my voice.
everything i write sounds like someone else.
everyday i sit and read my favorite blogs and the three or more books i have going at any one time and i feel inspired and held and nurtured and informed. and i feel so full. i feel full to overflowing with feelings and thoughts and words and i want to get them out of my head and heart and belly but when i come here all the doors slam shut and i am standing in a hallway, all echos and hints of light stabbing towards me from under the doors. the light calls to me, it whispers in a language i just can't make out, a voice that is just too mumbled or quiet or fast and i want to catch those words and put them down here but i can't because i can't hear them or remember them or understand them clearly enough to transcribe them and my head hurts and my ears ache as i put my hands over them, trying to block out the almost but not quite words.
i want to scream but i am silent
i want to write but it is aborted
i want to let go but i am a vibrating ball of tension wound tightly around myself.