Wednesday, October 17, 2012

just write it out

there are things i want to do here on this beautiful earth.  some of the things are small.  i want to have a clean home, i want to do yoga every day, i want to eat clean foods.

some of the things are big.  i want to be friends with the likes of sarah bessey, i want to go on big trips like she just did.  i want to see God's hem.

and i know that there are ways to see God's hem in my little life.  but I can't seem to turn off the t.v. long enough to look over  that way and see it.  I can't seem to still all the voices in the media  and my own head long enough to hear his voice. 

i know that that voice is there.  there have been times that i have sat down to meditate and pray that I have heard him whisper, "yes, come, sit with me."

and I felt such a welcoming and such a joy and I thought that I would always come back to that spot on the floor and that I would never again refuse to come to pray because I would remember that joy and stillness and welcome and I would long for it. 

And I do. 

I long for it. 

But I don't go to that spot and sit.  And I don't make time in my day to pray or practice or sit.  I come home, grumpy and hungry, and I push my husband away.  I make a big salad and sneak chocolate mints from my man's stash in the closet and I stare at the t.v. like it has answers - even though I know it doesn't.  It never has.

And I want to come here and write.   

But I don't.  I don't because I am afraid that my name is attached to this place.  I am afraid that I can't say what I want because it isn't as anonymous as my old blog.  I feel like what I want to say doesn't fit in a clean enough box - it isn't on topic enough. 

And then I remember that I said I would write whatever I wanted because this was MY space. 

And then I feel again that it is all so self indulgent and navel gazing and I can barely stand myself so I close the laptop and pick up the remote control and push the button.

And I am back in zombie land. 

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