there are things i want to do here on this beautiful earth. some of the things are small. i want to have a clean home, i want to do yoga every day, i want to eat clean foods.
some of the things are big. i want to be friends with the likes of sarah bessey, i want to go on big trips like she just did. i want to see God's hem.
and i know that there are ways to see God's hem in my little life. but I can't seem to turn off the t.v. long enough to look over that way and see it. I can't seem to still all the voices in the media and my own head long enough to hear his voice.
i know that that voice is there. there have been times that i have sat down to meditate and pray that I have heard him whisper, "yes, come, sit with me."
and I felt such a welcoming and such a joy and I thought that I would always come back to that spot on the floor and that I would never again refuse to come to pray because I would remember that joy and stillness and welcome and I would long for it.
And I do.
I long for it.
But I don't go to that spot and sit. And I don't make time in my day to pray or practice or sit. I come home, grumpy and hungry, and I push my husband away. I make a big salad and sneak chocolate mints from my man's stash in the closet and I stare at the t.v. like it has answers - even though I know it doesn't. It never has.
And I want to come here and write.
But I don't. I don't because I am afraid that my name is attached to this place. I am afraid that I can't say what I want because it isn't as anonymous as my old blog. I feel like what I want to say doesn't fit in a clean enough box - it isn't on topic enough.
And then I remember that I said I would write whatever I wanted because this was MY space.
And then I feel again that it is all so self indulgent and navel gazing and I can barely stand myself so I close the laptop and pick up the remote control and push the button.
And I am back in zombie land.