Monday, October 29, 2012

I stand in the sadness

These weeks have been hard.  I am feeling sicker and sicker by the day with my symptoms increasing as I inch towards my next infusion and I have been less and less able to avoid my 'sensitive foods'.  My doctor says there is no such thing, but desperation leads to a more open mind...

The therapist that I have started to see found it interesting that I was having such a hard time not eating those crap foods, despite my desire to avoid them, and she said that I should 'be curious' about it all.

Be curious.  Don't stop yourself, per se,  but let your mind slow down when you are reaching for them, just long enough to be curious as to why...

And so I have been trying to.  This morning my mind wandered back to my first real boyfriend and the hurts that still hang around my heart despite the almost 20 years that has passed since that life.  I found myself wanting to get a diet coke and donut, even though I had brought good food with me and wasn't hungry and all of the good reasons not to.

I realized that I wanted to have that crap because I was sad.  I wanted to shove that lump that had lodged in my throat down into my stomach with hopes of it being dissolved away.  What better than a cake donut for that?

I let myself get that drink and donut, despite my swollen  intestine, that pushes at my left belly as I sit here writing.   And I sat and ate it and wanted to cry.

Usually when I do this I am not so aware that I am sad.  Maybe other times I have not been sad, just hungry?

No.  I don't think so.  It had a very familiar quality to it.  I think I eat that stuff to check out.  To pretend that life is a fun party, mostly when it doesn't feel like it is.

After I was finished I still had that lump in my throat.

And after the chips and cookie I just ate (a mere 1.5hrs later), it is still there.

I am glad to have some answers about why I keep compulsively buying and consuming this crap that I don't really want.

But I am pretty bummed to figure out that I am sadder than I thought and that that crap doesn't help it at all... hence the repeat offending.

I guess I need to figure out a new way (an effective way) to deal with my sadness and anxiety.


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