Sometimes I wonder about if all of my reading and reflecting and 'growth' attempts have gotten me anywhere. I think sometimes about how many self help books I have read and how many posts I posted on my old blog where I felt that I had really learned some lesson through the writing, through the living, and wonder if it is all just a lot of hot air.
It can really seem like that sometimes. Days pass by and lessons are 'relearned' and I find myself thinking, 'oh gosh! this is totally just a rehash of that thing I 'finally discovered' 3.5 years ago when I was first separated from Sam' and it can all seem like a lot of tail chasing.
And maybe it is true (of course it is) that my skin isn't dewy and perfect now. Nor is my body a svelte size 6-8 that would prove that I have finally gotten it together diet and exercise wise. I'm not bursting with vibrant health (um, hello, prednisone?!?) and contributing to the world in grand ways now that I am not dead tired all the time.
No. These things are not true now. In fact they are probably less true now than they were back then. But I think that the fact that I am now married to Ducky says something. I think that the solid boring funny crazy dependable way that he loves me says that something in my mind and heart has actually shifted in these last years. I am learning to accept his love and to find its dependability attractive. This is not something that I have done in the past.
And my health is kinda in the toilet right now (pun totally intended) but as I sit, trying to be patient, waiting on my appointment with a new (younger, more open to alternative therapies) Gastroenterologist and test results from the naturopath I finally went to see, I can feel a little tiny mustard seed of hope germinating in my chest.
I went to the little cafe today to get a diet coke and potato chips (a test and a treat) and the drink tastes like battery acid.
So maybe there is hope for me after all.