Wednesday, August 22, 2012

hopeful mustard

Sometimes I wonder about if all of my reading and reflecting and 'growth' attempts have gotten me anywhere.  I think sometimes about how many self help books I have read and how many posts I posted on my old blog where I felt that I had really learned some lesson through the writing, through the living, and wonder if it is all just a lot of hot air.

It can really seem like that sometimes.  Days pass by and lessons are 'relearned' and I find myself thinking, 'oh gosh! this is totally just a rehash of that thing I 'finally discovered' 3.5 years ago when I was first separated from Sam' and it can all seem like a lot of tail chasing.

And maybe it is true (of course it is) that my skin isn't dewy and perfect now.  Nor is my body a svelte size 6-8 that would prove that I have finally gotten it together diet and exercise wise.  I'm not bursting with vibrant health (um, hello, prednisone?!?) and contributing to the world in grand ways now that I am not dead tired all the time.

No.  These things are not true now.  In fact they are probably less true now than they were back then.  But I think that the fact that I am now married to Ducky says something.  I think that the solid boring funny crazy dependable way that he loves me says that something in my mind and heart has actually shifted in these last years.  I am learning to accept his love and to find its dependability attractive.  This is not something that I have done in the past. 

And my health is kinda in the toilet right now (pun totally intended) but as I sit, trying to be patient, waiting on my appointment with a new (younger, more open to alternative therapies) Gastroenterologist and test results from the naturopath I finally went to see, I can feel a little tiny mustard seed of hope germinating in my chest. 

I went to the little cafe today to get a diet coke and potato chips (a test and a treat) and the drink tastes like battery acid.

So maybe there is hope for me after all. 

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