Thursday, July 12, 2012

Fear

Hi there honeys,

I am standing on the threshold of marriage (again) and shaking in my boots.

When I did it the first time I was so naive.  I was so young (25) and so optimistic.  And optimistic is not my default.  I remember thinking that if it didn't work we would juts get divorced!  I'm pretty sure that the reason I was so cavalier about divorce was in part because I didn't understand how utterly devastating it is but also because I really truly believed that it was impossible that that marriage would not work. 

Fool.  :)

My life feels a bit like the ride up the hill on a roller coaster.  I an feel the clang clang clang and the slow jerk up, up, up the hill.  I am scared and excited.  I know what is coming and I don't know.  In 9 days we will fly east together, my Ducky and I, part ways in my hometown as he continues on to his.  A week later I will drive down to his town with my little family so that he and I can be wed. 

Clang clang clang.  tick tick tick.

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Because of summer or my anxiety or God only knows what, my AI is acting up.  The symptoms aren't that bad, truth be told, but there is something about a flare that is like creeping dread.  I can feel it snaking its way around my body, reaching out in tendrils from my bum. 


And Ducky's mom is sick, and I'm worried about her, too. 

And it all seems like too much all of the sudden (me?  overwhelmed?  no, of course not!).  Everything feels delicate and fragile and like it is all hanging over a cliff or balancing on the top of a roller coaster and I JUST WANT CONTROL.

That's what it all comes down to.  I want to be in control of everything.  I want to protect everyone, including myself, from the scariness and unpredictability of this life.  I don't want any more character building experiences.  I want an easy, happy, breezy life. 

Is that too much to ask? :)

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